Just Some Night Thoughts.

I guess I’ve never thought about it. What makes me happy? Um, food makes me happy. I do like food a lot. But really, I don’t exactly know what makes me truly happy.

I do like to see other people enjoying themselves, but it is deeper than that. I like to see people grow. Maybe that is part of my plan to become an academic advisor on a college campus. I like to see people go from A to Z.

I feel like I myself have come a long, long way. From struggling in high school with academics to graduating college next semester. I’m on my way. People told me I was too stupid for college and too small to play college basketball. I have a game tomorrow, thank you very much. In other words, thanks for the motivation.

Anyway, I’ve never actually thought about what makes me happy. Is it a person? Sometimes, but I was told by an old friend that I have to produce my own happiness in everything that I do. I have to engrave my life with happiness based on the substance in my life rather than the people in it. I am always relying on other people and even though I appreciate it, I would like to stop. So, maybe the opposite is true.

Maybe when people rely on me, I am happier. Whether it is friends, students, teammates, or anyone at that matter, I like to see people with a smile on their face while improving like I know they can. Thats where my friends come in. I don’t always see them during the week and in a weird twisted kind of a way, I love it.

Denis and Luis are making master pieces, Ezra and I are at basketball, Dom and Reid are in the Library, Matt is shooting tv shows, Julian is writing about criminal justice and CJ is working (soon at his internship, congratulations CJ). I don’t see them often and we never seem to skip a beat. I’m happy for them. So I guess that makes me happy, but to answer the question, I don’t know.

I don’t exactly know what makes me happy in general. For now, its my friends and my pursuit. My pursuit for a career that gives me a sense of fulfillment. Not even a fulfilling career but a life in general. Like I said, I’m on my way. I’m not happy right now. Not at all. I’m not depressed, but I am just not happy. I AM however, on my way.

I Don’t Want To Forget.

How could I ever forget? And why would I ever want to?

These are two questions that I ask myself when people say they want to forget a period of time in their life. It is one thing if you plainly don’t remember, but actually wanting to forget seems weird to me. I’ve never actually wanted to forget a time in my life even when life wasn’t going my way.

Aren’t those the times we learn the most about ourselves and other people? Deleting all of the terrible times in your life could wipe away important lessons that you might not have learned otherwise. This is my time to grow, learn, change and be whatever the hell I want to be. That last part is the key to that entire statement. I’m going to be whatever the hell I want to be. It feels like I have lacked the encouragement to be whatever I want to be lately.

I’m busy sculpting myself and it is all happening rapidly. I’ve picked up strong feelings about violence against women, sexual violence, and civility amongst diverse populations; All three have become controversial in every aspect of my life.

How hard is it to break a habit that you’ve had for over a decade? Its damn tough and it doesn’t happen in one day. What I preach and what I do don’t add up in %100 percent of my life, but I think that is the point. I’m moving towards something. I’m changing, improving, growing, learning. Call me a hypocrite, but I am getting there.

In one year I am not going to wish to forget the time when I was struggling finding myself. Or the time period when encouragement in my life was lacking. If I did forget those moments, I would also forget why I began speaking with other people and blogging about treating people with more respect. I would forget why empathy means so much to me. I don’t want to delete anything. Not a time period. Not a person. Not a struggle.

I don’t want to forget.

Gemstones

Fire In My Heart

“Lyrical miracle since they cut my umbilical, still a fool with these syllables. Guess you think cause I’m spiritual, I won’t cook up a batch of these bomb atomically chemicals.”

WOAH.

This is a lyric from the song, Fire in My Heart by Gemstones and it has changed the way I look as rap as a whole. (at least for a little while) I found Gemstones on facebook because a basketball player I knew from New Hampshire posted something about him. Knowing he is a very spiritual man, I was interested to know what kind of rap song he would be posting because everyone knows, mainstream rap is mostly about the amount of money they have/shooting people. (Not what I thought my friend would be listening too.)

I started searching around after I saw the post and found Fire In My Heart, which actually uses the Adele chorus from Rolling in the Deep, which I also enjoy. I also posted the cover picture of his album, Elephant in the Room.

Anyway, He starts off kind of slow and then he unleashes bar after bar of lyrical genius. Also, he has several messages that are more than worthy for other rappers attention. He preaches that rap is out of its form and also that he will not conform to what this society tells him to. I can’t even really explain the amount of passion and anger that went into this song, but I think it is best if you take a listen. I posted the youtube video that has the lyrics with it as well so you can read along if you would like.

Enjoy!

Just Admit It, You Have Flaws.

It has been one of those semesters that I have found out more what is wrong with the way I live rather than the opposite. Also, if you are going to jump onto my blog or facebook and tell me, “But Mike you are perfect the way you are,” because many times people do that… Just DON’T.

This isn’t an angry post about hating myself and thinking I am a terrible person. This post is about my realization. This post is about societies expectation of what I am supposed to be and telling those expectations to screw off. In the past I have wrote about redefining what it means to be a man and societies expectation of men and women alike and I will probably continue to do so because I am interested in the topic.

Anyway here is a FACT: I’m not perfect the way I am. That isn’t embarrassing, wrong, or painful. It’s realistic. I fight with my friends all the time, argue with my classmates, and sometimes lash out when having a bad day. I complain too much. I’m a hypocrite sometimes. I don’t bring my clean laundry down from the laundry room and I NEVER turn off the oven when I am done cooking. (My mom would absolutely hate to hear that.)

I’m not perfect, but I am not ashamed. Sometimes a friend needs to tell you that, for you to understand that being aware of your flaws does not mean you are unconfident, but you are more aware. I have to stop being afraid to be incorrect. Stop being afraid to change my view, opinion, or outlook on entire situations. I feel as though the world has been telling me for so long that it is not okay to be incorrect or not okay for others to “win” because when others win, you lose. That isn’t always the case.

This is the one time that I throw out a White Men Can’t Jump quote about how sometimes when you lose you really win… Sometimes when you win you really lose… and sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie. My paps is really going to enjoy that one. 

Just admit it, you have flaws. If you don’t do the minimum and admit it, you’ll never actually change.

Be Tired Later.

I went out last night and had a great damn time, but I’m angry right now for absolutely no specific reason.

Things haven’t gone my way this semester, kinda. It’s just like any other college student. It’s senior year and this is what it is supposed to feel like. This year dictates what next year entails. There has been an anger resonating in my head that I’m extremely sick of. Many times I care too much about what people are thinking of me and it will tear you down sometimes. Sometimes.

I think I need some downtime is all, but what is downtime when you are a senior in college? Between class, basketball, charity events, a job, and that thing they call a social life, I’m just plain tired. Problem is, this isn’t the time to be tired. “Be tired later,” as my old AAU coach used to say.

I’m supposed to be improving in every aspect of my life and I feel as if I am getting worse. I’m sculpting myself into something that I don’t really want to be. That has nothing to do with my future profession or my major, but more my personality than anything. I finally figured out that people don’t know who I really am. Actually, they have no clue. Do I care to show them? Right now… ABSOLUTELY NOT. I don’t have the patience to let anyone in at this point. I have other shit to do. I’ll get it together though. Doing work all day will help. Blogging will help. A little meditation before bed will help.

Too much stuff to do. Screw it though, I’ll be tired later.

College Kids Say The Darnest Things.

I used to think that kids say the darnest things. I figured out this weekend that college students say the darnest things. Understanding everyone is impossible but learning from them is inevitable, if you pay attention…

I know not everyone who reads my blog actually knows who I am or what kind of personality I have, so I guess I’ll tell you. I’m extremely goofy. I’m weird, hyper, probably a little annoying… but I like to be in a good mood. I’m active and usually smiling, although this year has been a little different. Anyway, I am a little kid many times but I have fun so I don’t mind the comments.

My problem is people confuse goofy and stupid. I’ve never been more annoyed with a person’s confusion with two words. Why is an outgoing, joke-filled personality confused as stupidity? If you can’t laugh at yourself at least a little bit, we probably aren’t friends. Don’t be narrow minded.

I understand I don’t come off as an intelligent person all the time, but I don’t like being labeled. Many times I give people the benefit of the doubt. I wish others did the same. Every time I have the “I want to get my master’s degree,” conversation with a close friend… I usually get the “I just don’t see you getting your masters,” reaction. I didn’t care about it a while ago, but it keeps happening. Usually, “I don’t know, you are just really crazy and goofy, so I can’t see you getting your masters,” follows their previous statement.

Don’t confuse personality with intelligence.  This confusion will directly reflect your ability to think before you speak.

Get Out of My Way.

Sometimes you have to tell people get out of your way. I’m not talking about when you are walking to class and those four people are stretched across the sidewalk like a blockade which makes you 30 seconds late for class. I’m talking about succeeding in everything you do. I know who pushes me in life. In contrast, I know who holds me back. I don’t blame other people though. If something isn’t moving in the right direction in my life, that is my fault. I’ve never met someone that blames themselves more than I do.

So what though. I blame myself. I say my bad and my fault and I apologize, far too often. I am a positive person for the most part. Sometimes I get in this funk that I can’t seem to shake. That is the point in my life when I have to tell people to get the hell out of my way.

I’m going to succeed and if you are in my way, you are irrelevant. I haven’t ever had that thought process before but I am happy I adopted the mind set. The people in my corner are supportive, positive, hard working and above all great people. I have friends that I would want my future kids to hangout with. Sure, we are in college and might do some stupid stuff sometimes, but they are the lineman that clear the way for me to get the first down. (The football reference had to happen.) I don’t have to tell my friends to get the hell out of the way.

Point is, if people are in your way, throw them to the side. Sometimes you have to decide to succeed. Are other people more important than your happiness? I’ll answer that. NO. I decided that my happiness is more important than someone who cannot support me. I made my decisions. I won’t regret my decisions because that isn’t what I am about. I’m not all about the drama. I’m not all about the insignificant people that can’t decide whether they want to be a professional or be a college student. I will tell you know, they are not the same thing… Sometimes you have to decide which one you would like to be. Sometimes you have to say screw it, I need to to be selfish.

Sometimes you have to tell people to get out of your way.